if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Safety first
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.