I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.