Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.