Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
Me: South Arctica?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*praying for world peace*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
christening a ship with an overripe banana
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
doing your own taxes
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.