Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Is fake venison called venisn’t
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.