Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from