@illTortuga

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

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@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@ginnyhogan_

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

@iAmDelFreaky

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

@PoodleSnarf

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

@0ne_1980

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

@BuffyMaddingly

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

@MarieLoerzel

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.