surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.