[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
twitter users today:
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it