Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Respect
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider