Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.