So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Cause of death: Zumba
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation