*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
How software testing works
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.