People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
