GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD