Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?