@Reverend_Scott

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

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@OlanDevine

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@EthnicSteve

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@droidbears

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@coketruck76

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.