Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
You Might Also Like
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE