@Reverend_Scott

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

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@slimthicccins

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

@VikingJonesy

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@tamytoo2

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@AndyAsAdjective

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE