GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive