getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“I’m helping” 😅
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
get you a girl who
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong