when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sing it!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?