Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.