– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.