[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
それは草
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.