[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Milk Cube
Love it! 👍😂
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’m sorry…what?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.