I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair