I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Has science gone too far?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
They say women only use 10% of their anger