@justinmatic5000

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@dumbbeezie

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@KyleMcDowell86

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@wit_haze

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.