Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
very niche meme I made
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.