[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
You Might Also Like
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Still my favourite meme.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.