Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Its true…
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.