“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
who wore it better?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
No, YOUR illiterate.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
that wasn’t the question
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol