Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.