Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike