Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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Body by sandwich.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?