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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.