in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…