At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.