I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
You Might Also Like
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
That took me a moment.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
time machine? you mean a clock?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.