I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Aight bet
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A ghost story
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*