When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I’m giving up for Lent.
just having fun
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned