3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.