Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
You Might Also Like
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
superman landing like a plane on his belly
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE