I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you