Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*