a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Love this guy
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t