Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
me hooking up with my ex
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
December birthdays be like…
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick