Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.