I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*