Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”