Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.