Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
They grow up so quick
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.