hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Please do it!
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.