[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.