Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.