do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.