My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.