My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
You Might Also Like
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please