The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.