I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I feel seen.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.