Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Mouse
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too