DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sign at work today
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER